VOICES 💔

Counting days, Counting months, Counting years since I first felt it.

The unnerving soul wrenching voice in my head

It breaks me

It rips me apart from the inside out.

It shatters me piece after piece 

 All my heart wants to do is wrap tightly around it.

Maybe then, I will be friends with the monster inside my head and tame it

A hell so comfortable we could burn and call it warmth.

But it's a strong primal force of nature .

Imagine all the voices you hear in your life. 

They come in like waves, trickling in and out with the tide.

 Some waves are much bigger, making more of an impact than others. 

Sometimes bringing with them things from deep in the bottom of the sea 

 leaving them tossed onto the shore. 

Imprints against the grains of sand that prove the waves had once been there, long after the tide recedes.

That's what the voice in my head does,

Brings my worst fears and tribulations to the surface and leave them there.

"You are not good enough"

"You did it today because you are lucky"

" See, they are all laughing at you"

" You are always on the wrong"

" You cannot do it"

" You are just an imposter"

" You are a failure."

The voice says to me with certainty.

I try to buffer it away by thinking how much I have achieved 

But it laughs on my face,

Reminding me how much I struggled and needed other people to succeed

And the colour on my face drains,

It's not the fact that it's messing with my self esteem, it's the feeling of self hate it brings that I can't seem to shake.

It wasn't always there, 

It came the day I got "out there"

The day I stopped being a caterpillar in my cocoon and became a butterfly that everyone watched

Nothing compares to how bitter sweet this tastes.

Sometimes when I can't control it, 

I Pinch myself and say 

I AM AWAKE once an hour.

Look at my hands. Count my fingers.

Look at clock or watch, look away, look back.

Stay calm and focused.

Think of a door.

Think of how many times I have crossed the other side of the door and done well.

At least the movie Behind her eyes, made me see behind my eyes.

“Just keep swimming.” I tell myself

 But it gets really hard to

swim when you feel like you’re anchored in the water

So I write, I talk, I scream,

Maybe if I focus enough, I will silence the noise, calm the chaos and quieten the voices .

Creating a personal connection that even fires of hell couldn't server.

By Favor khaoya