Today drained me

 

It's been a minute since I wrote. Not a hot fleeting minute like a summer crush or the burning out of a candle wick. It's more of the length of time it takes to burn down a nation. Talking of burning nations, my nation is currently burning. Literally and figuratively. There is the government, the opposition, the government apologists, and those who are fueled by chaos. It's a whole hellfire out there in the streets. I would highly recommend that if you can't run or fight or see in the smoke-filled air, stay in your house! Duvet warmth will keep you warmer than the fires being lit on the streets. 

So where was I? Oh yeah! My writing break. To be honest, I can't explain why I haven't been writing. What's more unfortunate, is I can't explain a lot of things. I can't explain why I wanted to wake up early today morning, I can't explain why I did wake up early and still went back to bed. Nor can I explain why after I woke up feeling energized, I spent hours on Instagram trying to understand how to make reels and still didn't make them. 

Don't get me wrong, I really wanted to wake up early! To read, to make reels! To cook! To write and play chess. Funny out of all those, I did just one. A part of me will argue it's because I had motivation from my person. 

Oh, Motivation! Motivation my old friend has been slipping through my fingers faster than running water. She has been scarce in my life. I would say that's the reason I haven't been writing. Heck! That might be the reason I haven't been doing anything!

A few minutes ago I had a random thought! What am I doing in the city? What do I want? And most importantly, when I know what I want, why don't I go for it? Many times I'd know exactly what I want, but somehow the willpower to do it is not woven into the fiber of my being. I end up lying there wasting the day and waiting for the next. I would jokingly tell my friend "Dang, today drained me!"

But what exactly drained me? 

Would you believe me if I told you the thing that drained me the most is thinking? And having those random conversations with myself in my head? Questions of science and progress don't speak as loud as my thoughts. I would do something and then doubt if it's good enough. I would wanna wear clothes and feel that I would be either underdressed or overdressed. I would want to ask for something and wonder if I deserve it and how to justify it. Heck, there are days I have wondered who I am; this is while straight up looking at myself in the mirror. On good days, I get a wide smile, raise my cheekbones, and mime sounds, on bas days; well.....

I get lost in an abyss of thoughts. Wrapped with a bow of uncertainty. Those feel like chains I need to break! Chains that hold me back from my potential and honestly, the bare minimum of what I should be doing. Yesterday I met an old friend, they asked me, do you wanna be a pilot or do you wanna fly a plane?

I realized motivation is not my problem. Neither is procrastination honestly, it's more about how much I look into specifics. If I learned to just do it, I will get the specifics. Therefore imma live my life from today onwards like someone who wants to fly a plane(whenever and however) and not just be a pilot for a couple of hours to specific routes.

Hey look at me, today drained me, but here I am feeling better just because I did one thing I wanted to do today.