RUN!

 

I accidentally saw him the other day! And my body screamed RUN!

Accidentally because I cut him off from my life both physically, emotionally, and socially. Accidentally, because I avoided hanging out in places, I might bump into him or check social media profiles that might have him tagged. So yes, I accidentally saw him the other day! And my blood boiled!

"Happy Easter! Time to get drunk and make bad decisions 🤪!"

That was the caption on one of our mutual friends' statuses. He was there, his hands brazenly glazing less than a centimeter away from two girls’ boobs on both his right and left!

I thought I was over it! I thought I had forgiven and forgotten! I thought seeing him be so reckless would not infuriate me, but boy did it!

"What is done in Vegas stays in Vegas."

The following caption said. This time around, he was holding a bottle of whiskey in one hand, and on the other hand, he was holding one of the girls, pulling her close to him.

Tell me, asshole, if what is done in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas, why on earth are we seeing this? Why am I seeing this? Do I look like a Veganian?

But the anger I felt at that moment was nothing compared to the anger I felt when I saw the next status update. It was a video; the others were dancing, and you could see him and the girl at the back. The right side of the girl's sleeve had dropped, and she was asleep. He was sitting behind her, and his hands below her waistline!

They say, "hell knows no fury as a woman scorned," But they are wrong; hell knows no fury as a woman who has been raped!

Seeing her there, like that, with him, reminded me of a time I trusted him! Reminded me of a time I thought it was a good idea to try alcohol in his presence.  I assumed I would be safe from everyone else there because he was there! I thought he would be the person that would do me no harm!

 Maybe I should have listened when my parents said, "Don't judge a book by its cover!" Maybe I should have listened to my teachers when they said "Kikulacho ki nguoni mwako" Maybe I should have listened to my big sister when he said, "Men will always be men, no matter how much they say they are just your friend, given a chance, they would fuck you!"

But no amount of maybes would have prepared me for that night and every other night after that! I was betrayed by my friend! My confidante, the one person whose honor I defended with my body and soul! The one who I was there for in good times and bad times.

Do you know what the fucked-up part is? Our other friends, who I did not know well, got me out of that room when I was drunk. It was my first time drinking, and so I got drunk really quick. They took me back to my house and gave him the key coz they knew I trusted him.

Why did he follow me?

Why did he stay?

What made him move from the couch to my bed?

What made him caress my skin?

What made him touch my boobs?

What made him climb on top of me?

WHAT ON EARTH MADE HIM THINK THAT WAS OKAY????!!!

I saw the girl in his arms, and all I wanted to do was scream from my corner of the earth for her to run!

Run because I am afraid of what he would do to her!

Run because I am afraid in the morning, he would say she led him on

Run because I am afraid that even when she argues and retells her part of the story, he will say she was too drunk, and she doesn't remember everything.

Run because I am afraid when she asks why he did coz she was too drunk, he will change his story and say she wasn't too drunk to consent.

I haven't felt this helpless in years. I haven't shaken like this since that day. I want her to get out of there before it's too late. But how can I tell her when I am miles away? How can I scream with urgency to her when my voice gets stuck in my throat every time I think about this, about him, and about that day? How can I save her when the memories of him and that night still haunt me?

"Time to call it a night."

The following status update said. The anger that I was feeling turned into fear. And the fear escalated into panic instantly! The photo had everyone but the girl and him! The him who had taken away a part of me I would never get back again! I didn't want that for her! I didn't want her to go through what I went through! I didn't want her getting all Squamish whenever someone touched her! I didn't want her to spend months feeling like a foreigner in her body! I didn't want her to spend years hating being touched on certain parts of her body coz her subconscious remembered where he touched her! I didn't want her to wake up knowing the pain of betrayal, everlasting guilt of having gone there herself, and unending maybe's and constant what ifs! That's no life to live.

"Go back and get her!" That's the first thing I said as soon as our mutual friend picked up her phone.

"Who? Where? And what happened to your manners? Where is the hi? Hello? Sasa?"

"I am sorry, Hi? Hello? Sasa? Go get the girl you were hanging out with, who isn't in the last photo you posted."

"Oh, Perris? She has passed out, and our friend said she can stay at his place, and we take her in the morning."

"Please, for the love of God and all our years of friendship, go back and get her. Don't leave her there passed out."

"No butts! Get her. If you care for her, you will get her."

I ended that call and broke down crying. And for once, I was not crying for myself or for my innocence that was taken away. But I was crying for every other girl who had been in my shoes or worse. I was crying for every girl who carried a pocketknife, sharp nail file, and sand in their hands to attack someone with in case they came close to them. I cried because I heard stories of rape from my grandmother and my mother. The fact that my big sister had to prepare in case I got into such a situation means it did not end with my mother's or grandmother's generations! Rapists and still raping! 💔

Do I have to teach my little sister and daughters about this too? Do they have to live in constant fear? Does their life have to have the same pain and baggage our lives did? Honestly, why can't we make it end with us?

Ps, to every girl or boy who has been raped out there, I do not know what to say. I do not know if the broken parts will ever be whole again or if the hurt will stop being painful. What I know is you have been hurt beyond sin, but better days are coming.

By Favor Khaoya

Photos by 

Tima Moshenriko

Dimtry Daltonik