THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

Okay!! I must admit that it hurts. Not because you got away, I mean that does cause my heart to churn into knots every second of the day. But majorly because you were an almost. Almost! Damn I hate that word but not as much as I hate what happened to us. We held failed potential just like the damned word almost! You know how my favorite poet always said "almost represents the ability to be just not good enough. It shows we have come to the brink of something beautiful, but fell short too many times we crafted a word for it”. Just like you and I were at the brink of something beautiful but we couldn’t quite reach it, we fell too far and we weren’t there to catch each other.

My mother used to tell me that, if a guy loved me, I would know. If he did not  I would be confused. With you I never doubted, with you I never second guessed, with you I never questioned, with you insecurity wasn’t my portion. Not because you said you loved me, but because you spent most of the time showing me you did. The cliché statement that the little things matter was like the theme and signature statement of our relationship.

You made me laugh stupid. I am not saying you are funny because then you will ask me if I can get pregnant for funny like Joey’s sister in Friends. And for the last time, no I won’t. Thinking about that just made me laugh. That ridiculous perky two second laugh I always make when you say uncanny things. The same laugh you cherished so much that you made your notification tone. At first, it made me uneasy, but with time it made me learn how to love myself in the one way I didn.t know how to. In expressing my happiness.

You made me feel seen, cared for, and understood. I am not calling you a knight in shining armor, but every time you stood up for me and helped me work on those many projects I had to work on, you proved that gallantry and chivalry haven’t died. You remember when you got me the be happy mug? Every time I drank water or tea from it all the sorrow inside melted; literally. I can not  count the number of nights I called you crying over this and that. It never had anything to do with you and yet for hours you would remain on the other end of the line listening to me. Sometimes I was a handful to deal with; Damn it who am I lying to. I was quite a mess, and when you couldn’t talk me down, you played music for me and that hunny is an underrated act of love. I am sorry for all the nights you woke up with your phone charge at zero. Well, that’s because when your playlist ended, I used to listen to your soft snores, the pattern of your breathing and look at how calm your face was and that was enough to soothe me to sleep,

You made me feel like the world revolved around me. I am not saying the sun rose and set at my feet but   you sure had a way that made me the axis of every rotation. I mean, you came into my life and swept me off my feet, before I landed on your laps, you had charmed your way into my family. They became your fans too, asking when next you would come around and if they can have coffee with you. Do you know how much it means to a girl when her family can approve her man?

I think my 21st birthday was my best birthday ever. Do not get me wrong, I appreciate the party my dad threw for me along the years. They were good and the many people who came gave me gifts that I like. However, my 21st birthday was purely heartwarming and that is sorely attributed to you.  For once, I had just the people I wanted in my birthday, you. I remember keeping you waiting in town beacuse I had to fix my phone and then you deciding to come pick me up. You took me to the museum and  that awakened the jitters in my body. For a bit I was silent and, in my head, you asked if I was okay and I said I was but you didn’t believe me yet you let it slide. But Hunny, how do I explain that you just crossed something I bucket listed when I was 10? You had just made my childhood dream come true.

You took me to two rivers mall. Up the Ferris wheel like I had always desired since I watched “Love, Simon”. I am still curious on why you did not come up but then taking me to the VR games was just it for me. Remember when I came down and you told me,” You wrote about these in Haze, does if feel the same in reality?” We caught up with the team and thus I did not answer, but sugar, it felt better because I had you.

That perfect evening after drowning a combination of pizza and chicken on, while the water from the sprinklers were forming a dome shape in the sky and the lights surrounding it giving, I am golden glow, you stopped walking and stood behind me. You opened a yellow ribboned box and removed the most beautiful priceless neckless I had ever seen. It had a silver chain and clasp with an infinity patterned pendant and a stone inside. I was frozen for a second. I always envied women who got such necklaces and then a kiss on the neck afterwards. Well, I didn’t get the kiss thereafter . You are a perfect gentleman but that whole thoughtfulness and how you had always treated me like a precious stone made me realize you are the one.

However, it took me too long to say with my mouth what my heart and brain had already agreed. I swear I almost said it so many times. Almost! Damn that word. Now I seat out here, looking at the moon hoping you are too like we used to; wish I could rewind back time to the good old days, so I can tell you that you were my happy place. So, I can keep my promise of never hiding my feelings, perhaps that would have changed how things are between us. We might have been bonnie and Clyde, Dante and Beatrice, damnit Zendaya and superman. You would be my light at the end of the tunnel.

But then I never said a word and you moved on. Once upon a time, I was falling in love, but now I am falling apart just like once upon a time there was light in my life but now there is only loving in the dark. Hunny, I need you tonight like every other night but then you are out of reach. You are the one that got away.

By Favor khaoya