GO EASY ON ME.

You know the saying, "when I grow up, I want to be…." It is always cupped with ridiculous dreams that we somehow believe we could achieve. That keeps us going; funny how achievement and hope rank top of the list of motivation factors. Even though sometimes, it is just chasing the wind. So, what happens when you get what you want, rather what you wanted, and somehow, it's not good enough? Never meet your heroes they say.

After two years, that is how I felt. Like there wasn’t gold in the river, that I had been washing my hands in forever. Don’t get me wrong, not monetary gold, that did not matter to me as I was volunteering. The passion that run through my veins and the enthusiasm that fueled me seemed to drain. I no longer felt like fighting the good fight. I mean, a battle is fought by more than one person, right? So, what was the use of fighting it alone? Or rather, feeling like I am fighting it alone.?

I know there is hope in these waters. Hope to save a life or make one better or better still, more than one. Yet somehow, I can't bring myself to swim in these waters of hope. My favorite poet, Emily Dickson   once said, “Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul, and sings the tune without the words and never stops at all." But tell me, Emily, how do I sing the unending tune when I am drowning in this silence? Please let me in on that insight lest the sore storm abash the little bird that kept so many warm.

All I wanted was for someone to go easy on me. I was still a child. One who just finished learning how to crawl and was ready to walk. But you wanted me to run. I don’t object to that, in fact, I appreciate that you believed in me so much. However, I can’t run before I learn how to stand. I needed a hand to hold and a shoulder to lean on. It's unfortunate how I barely felt I had that. I didn't get the chance to feel the world around me or learn from it. I was on my own and time was running out almost all the time. I had no time to choose what I chose to do. I did what I thought was right all the time and I am sorry that was never good enough for you; but I did my best. So go easy on me.

There ain't no room for things to change when we are both so deeply stuck in our ways. Miscommunication, under communication, late communication, and assumptions is the death of us. You can't deny how hard I have tried, I changed who I was to put you both first. I learned the craft and much more than the craft so as to be competent. I gave my body, soul, blood, and sweat into this. I never thought I would be tired of doing this or feel like it's no longer worthwhile. But now I give up. It hurts that I do, but I have no choice. It is with a broken heart and a heavy brain that I no longer see the greater picture or any hopes of getting there. Support is like a distant love child and growth is stagnant. I thrive in progress and direction both of which we do not have at the moment.

 I had good intentions and the highest hopes. I spend almost every waking moment thinking about how we could be better, which businesses we could partner with, and how we could cast our nets deeper into the ocean of targets. How we could meet our main objectives and keep everything and everyone afloat. I wanted us to grow, stabilize and be a part of something bigger than ourselves. But I know right now that probably doesn't even show. I walk away not because I want to, but because I have to. John Dewey said the deepest urge in human nature is the desire to feel important; I no longer feel important nor what we do and that is why I must move on to something that feels so. As we part ways, go easy on me! I wish you nothing but the best.

 By Favor Khaoya

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