LOVE IN THE DARK

Heavy breathing! Stars! Ears ringing! Legs shaking! White light! Pure bliss. If this is what gets me locked out of heaven, then hell is a good compromise. I was swimming in this ocean of contentment when I slowly opened my eyes . The first bits of light were blinding but I slowly got accustomed to it . I noticed my surroundings; the California king size bed, the grey wall paint, the musk smell of Glade air spray and the photo on the wall; Steve and I.  Then it hit me what I had come to do . Thank God I had two minutes of happy post nut clarity before this dampening one.

Steve was my childhood sweetheart. The perfect love at 18 and somehow at 25, he still fit like a puzzle piece; well when he wanted to that is  . Yet , I was about to do the one thing I never thought I would do . He was my first and only, my sun rose and set at his feet. But you know what they say, no matter how long the sun shines, the moon must own the sky too or something like that . It was time our sky became colored black with glitter of the moon if all went well.

“Take your eyes off of me “ I said

“Why should ?” Steve responded

“so I can leave.” I said with a smirk

“Enjoy watching you walk away.” He said with a wink .

“Oh, poor Steve. He doesn’t know what he is talking about. “ I thought to myself

“you just wrinkled your face and got distraught for a minute there .” He said

“No I haven’t !” I said defensively while folding my arms .

“Yes, you did. Why don’t you want me to watch you ?”

“I’m far too ashamed to do it with you watching me.”

“Since when is the audacious Mariela shy?”

“Since she decided to walk out of a seven  year relationship.” Well in my defense, the last couple years have we have been on and off. Steve was out of town a lot and when he was in town he was busy. We barely had time to feel like a couple let alone behave like one. The job that got him a permanent ticket far from me was so secretive I could never pin point what exactly he was doing. He couldn’t trust me with what he did. What if he was in the Mafia? Or a government agency that “cleaned” up messes. Let me try being more positive, a spy! How safe was I ? Emotionally and physically? At least if I knew what he was up to,I would have known how to take care of myself. It wasn’t only the secrets! It was the absence. It was scary thinking out of sight out of mind. However, he’d started making a habit of not communicate when he was away and made my fear my reality. How would you date someone who you know is out of town and you don’t know what they are doing or where they are doing it or if they were okay? This just feels like walking on hot charcoal and succumbing to the pain everyday .

“What did you just say?” Steve said, shock displayed in his face and voice .

“I want a break up Steve.” The silence that followed was impenetrable. For a blind second, I wished a fly could pay by, just so I could break eye contact. Because what the fuck! I had not planned for this to go this way . I was going to tell him in a more civilized manner. I had even rehearsed in the mirror before I came to his place . But this , this is what I settled for ? The look of terror , hurt and betrayal that lulled over his face was enough proof of the questions going on in the back of his mind. I guess ripping the band aid doesn’t make it hurt less.

“Why?”

“Because I have to.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do.”

“Why?”

“Because I have no other choice !”

“Why?”

“Because I don’t know you anymore. We are broken and not even time can help fix us.”

“But I am working on myself! “

“Are you Steve? Are you?”

“I am.You know I am!”

“No, I don’t know . I don’t know what you are doing, or how you are doing. I don’t know where we are , or where we are going. I am not sure if we are moving forward of we are stagnating. I don’t know left from right when it comes to you . “ I said with a breaking voice. Like a broken rhythm, my breathing became unsteady, long deep breaths and in no time, my eyes followed suit and I was crying. Crying for me. Crying for Steve. Crying for us. Crying for the time we spend together. Crying for the future we would have heard. Crying for the present that was killing me. I saw Steve move towards my side of the bed, probably to attempt to hug and console me . But I didn’t want him to touch me again. That was the last time. Lest I felt his warm touch and it thawed my frozen heart.

“Please, stay where you are, don’t come any closer.” I said in a soft whisper. I could feel the weakness emanating from my voice and body . But that was okay, I had been strong for long enough. Even I deserved a moment of weakness.

“Mariella, I know I have hurt you in the past. I know my silence and distance has thrown you off balance. But I am trying Hun, I am trying to be there.”

“How are you trying to be here when the only times I see you is when you are horny or when I ambush you ? I feel you are trying to be more absent than present. “

“No Mariella, that is not the way I am, I know I have given you enough reasons to think otherwise of me but hey that has not been me, its just been a version of me, lets call it Steve 2.0, Now am at Steve 3.0, an upgrade, more sensitive, better equipped to handle situations and very less likely to glitch and  am not asking you to buy this right away but just “wait and see”. A test run;experiment 1.0 can you?” Steve asked . His voice was begging me to listen to him. His eyes were seeking to get to the deepest part of my heart. Beckoning me to give him a chance . But how many times until I learn? How many times till it’s enough? I feel like this is never ending, we had been there before. Where he asks for me to give him a benefit of doubt, and he throws it away as soon as I do like a food in the face of a satisfied baby. But I can’t stay this time. I can’t give him the benefit of doubt especially since I realized I don’t love him anymore.

“Don’t try to change my mind Steve.”

“This is all out of nowhere! It almost feels cruel.”

“Almost is the key word. I’m being cruel to be kind.”

“Enlighten me !”

“I feel like I don’t know you anymore. That makes me feel like I cannot rely on you . I can’t love you in the dark. It feels like we’re oceans apart. There is so much space between us. Baby we’re already defeated.” I said feeling crushed and hopeless. However, I could see the same level of hopelessness and helplessness in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to say something but couldn’t figure out what to say. I don’t blame him! Neither could I at that moment.

“Are you that unhappy?” He asked his voice low like a whisper that I almost missed . I was  trying to be brave but I couldn’t face his breaking heart without falling apart. Everything in me ached to move towards him and wrap him in a hug. But I couldn’t , I would be queen of mixed signals, funny, he was the king of that.

“No, but I don’t want to carry on like everything is fine.”

“Do you regret us?”

“I don’t regret a thing! Every word I’ve said, you know I’ll always mean. You, me , us and Everything changed me. You have given me something that I can’t live without. The taste of what I deserve and what I do not ; a love that comes once in a life time .You mustn’t underestimate that when you are in doubt.”

“Then why do you want to leave ?”

“Steve,  It means the world to me that you are in my life. But I want to live and not just survive. The longer we ignore that we are no longer compatible,all the more that we will fight. “ I knew what my words will do to him but deep down I was screaming to him, “Please, don’t fall apart.”

“ You are not the only one who has changed. Everything changed me in me too. I don’t think you can save me . From myself and from the world. I am not saying I understand, but I know it’s what you have to do. I can’t help it that I make you feel blindsided, hell I never realize when I do until when you tell me which breaks my heart more than you’d ever know  . I love you, I always will and that includes me never  holding you back again .” He said with a level of confidence that was fueled with pain. The kind that the brain understands but the heart cannot put together. I stood there utterly dumbfounded. I knew the end was near but I didn’t know it would be this hard. Tears were trickling down my eyes and my body was shaking. I was in a trance.

“Hey Mariella, I am coming to hug you alright? Then I will kiss you one last time , and then I would walk to the bathroom and start a bathe, then in the noise of that, you will take your things and walk away until we meet again . Fine by you ?”

My voice was breaking with my heart and I just nodded my head in acceptance. He came close to me and hugged me tightly. Making me feel how his heart was beating as fast as mine was , making me realize I wasn’t the only one feeling the pain. And that hurt me more than it comforted me . He went to the bathroom as I watched him, he turned to look at me one more time , he smiled and went inside. I stood there rooted for a couple of minutes before dressing up and walking away . I looked up one more time before walking away. It was the end of an era that I hoped would be my forever .

By Favor Khaoya 

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