Eternal Love, Fleeting Life

 

Amber

“Till death do us part! Who the fuck came up with such a clause!”

I thought to myself while resisting the urge to throw the bottle of whiskey to the wall. Yes, whiskey! In a span of two weeks, I had graduated from a wine drinker in fancy flutes and coupes to a whiskey guzzler. I wasn’t even wincing while draining the content of the bottles. I was convinced that my solace would be found at the bottom of that bottle. But how wrong I was.

It was finally that time when everyone who came to mourn with me had left. I was forlorn and lost; waiting for the healing touch of good memories, love, and laughter to return to me with the breath of life. However, two weeks later, none of that seemed possible. I was still feeling stuck and trapped in my thoughts. My thoughts are a dreadful place; a very dreadful place. They all take me back to that moment; the moment Sara, our family doctor called to tell me they had gotten a kidney for Matthew; my husband, and that it was a match. I was elated. A beam of hope shone in our lives. I was certain that after the surgery, he would be okay and able to go back home with me.

However, when I visited him in the hospital that morning, he was sad. Visibly overwhelmed.

Every muscle in my body wanted to wrap him in a hug and make all his pain go away but my body was numb. It was like I could feel his pain through his dilated pupils and strained breathing.

“Hey love,” He whispered before having a chronic bout of coughing. By the time he relaxed, I was next to him, tapping his back slightly as he coughed. He settled back into my arms and looked to the other side lost in his own thoughts. He wasn’t the man I left the previous day. Life was slipping out of him. I knew it and he knew it too, but neither of us wanted to admit it; we hoped he would survive until the afternoon when his surgery was due. Just four more hours. Four more hours.

“Will you tell me now?” He said, penetrating the thick blanket of silence and uncertainty that had engulfed us.

“Tell you what?”

“Why do your boobs suddenly look bigger and your face is glowing.”

“Matt!” I blushed. I mean I love it when my husband finds me sexy as hell even after two years of marriage and five years of dating. But bringing it up right now? What would happen if I got turned on? OOOOHHHH HOSPITAL SEX! I have always found that to be the weirdest shit in porn, but at that moment it made sense. I mean who would be watching? 

“What? So, because I am sick, I am not allowed to see my woman as hot?”

“No one said that dummy. But the angles are deceiving. I am wearing comfy bras; the ones you hate because they restrict your access and do not make my boobs pop. So, no way my boobs look bigger.”

“Why are you wearing them and you are not on your periods? Are you pregnant or something? Am I going to be a daddy? Please tell me I am going to be a daddy! I hope I won the bet and it's a girl! I would love braiding her hair as much as I like oiling yours.”

“OMG! Are you nuts? Of course, I am not pregnant. I have been on the pill faithfully. I have them on because my nipples have been kind of painful of late. I am sorry I am not making you a dad yet. Our selfish years are not over yet.”

“Uuhhh, that's disappointing. I guess hips don’t lie but boobs do.”

“Are you quoting Shakira right now babe?”

“Would you rather I quote the band Perry 'If I die young'?”

His words pierced my soul. I was trying to figure out what to say. My head was full of senseless words; a storm of black and white.

“You won’t die young.”

His hands touched my neck and his lips parted mine in what felt like a somber opening of a goodbye letter.

“Amber,” his lips were whispering against mine, "I love you so much.”

He pulled away from my mouth and pressed his forehead against mine. I was struggling for more air than I ever needed but panic was setting in, burying itself in my soul and making it hard to think.

“I love you so much,” I responded with my voice breathless and full of fear. “I’ll love you forever.”

“You shouldn't love me forever; you should live your life.”

“What do you mean I shouldn't love you forever and live my life like they are mutually exclusive? You are my life. Loving you is living my life.”

“Amber...”

I pulled a breath, it was shallow and sour, making my eyes burn.

“Shhhhh! I can’t Matt! I cannot imagine a life without you. What would I do? Who would I become? You are my home. I will be homeless.”

“I will always be your home. Scatter my atoms across the universe and they will still know your name and be your home. I am endless with you Amber."

“Why do you sound like you are giving up on me? On us? It’s four hours to your surgery. You can make it.”

“I am not giving up, I am telling you that in case I don’t make it, your love is something I will always treasure. I will always remember how you would hug me when I got home after work. I would wrap my arms all the way around your shoulders, and press my face into your hair while my body covered yours. My arms became a set of parentheses bracketing the sweetest and most sacred thing in my life. When I make it, I intend on hugging you even tighter and kissing you for longer. I would even go on a bike ride with you.”

“I will kick your ass as always,” I said while smiling while trying to hold back my tears.

“Go get me water and then we can argue about that.”

“Aye aye, captain.” 

“Amber,” 

I was already by the door heading to get him water.

“You are my favorite piece of art.”

“You are the reason I fancy art,” I said while hopping away with a chest full of hope.

There was no water on that floor. So, I used the stairs at the end of the corridor to go and get some from the second floor. I met Sheila, my best friend there flirting with a doctor. Poor man! He would never survive the charm and wit of Sheila. She will eventually win the battle. I grabbed water for Griff and headed upstairs.

A sudden chill ran down my spine. My hair rose and for a minute I could not breathe.

I figured I just needed to get back to cuddling Matt and the chill would be over.

Matt!!!

The thought of him made dread creep into my bones and a sudden wave of adrenaline made me run the next couple of stairs.

There they were, the doctors standing over him holding the calibrator. Nurses rush in like ants. A nurse fixing the oxygen mask on his face and the doctors pressing the calibrator on his chest! Then she saw me, his doctor! She muttered something I couldn't hear and I was too dumb-struck to read her lips. But the curtains were closed. I was on the outside! An outsider in my man’s life! I couldn't take that, so I rushed in. 

Before the nurse who was approaching me could haul me outside, I heard the worst words I have ever heard.

“Mathew Dominic, time of death 1.05 PM, May 25th, 2022.”

I froze.

My legs were stuck in the ground.

My heart shattered.

My blood boiled.

My head was fuzzy.

“That can’t be right! He was okay five minutes ago! He sent me to get water! He told me he loved me. He held me. He was full of life.”

“Mrs. Dominic.”

“Don’t touch me,” I said while walking towards his bed. I had to prove it to myself.

But they were not lying! I couldn’t feel his pulse. I couldn’t inhale the air he exhaled! He wasn’t responding to my touch and that broke me! He was my all in one, how was I supposed to live without him?

Everything became fuzzy and there was a massive ringing in my ears and then nothing.

*************************************************************************

“Hello Mrs. Dominic, how are you feeling?”

“Where am I?”

“Zana General hospital. Your friend will brief you on everything, but then you passed out. I have conducted all tests and you are doing alright and the baby is still healthy and unaffected by the shock.”

“Excuse me! You said, baby?”

“I assume you did not know. Well, you are one month and three weeks far along. All preliminary tests show both you and the baby are in fine shape. If you will excuse me, I have to do ward rounds. A nurse will come to check on you and sign your release forms. I am so sorry for your loss.” 

Loss?

Oh yeah! Loss! Matt!

I could feel it again. The pain. The unending need to cry. The helplessness. The hopelessness. The emptiness. The fear.

What did I do to become a 28-year-old widow? And an upcoming mum!

My conversation with Matt a couple of hours earlier came flashing into my mind. He knew! How did he know I was pregnant when I didn’t?

I said nothing to Sheila that entire time. She signed my discharge forms while I signed Matt’s transfer to the morgue and facilitated the payment of hospital bills. 

This was the end of the line, He was my end of the line.

***************************************************************************************

Sheila

For most of the week, Amber was numb! Stuck! Lost but above all confused. I could see the hurt in her face and the pain in her heart. Her never-ending light was dimmed and it took everything in her to wake up every morning.

But that broke her too! For five years, she woke up next to him. Today was the day she would see him for the last time. At least in this realm and physically. I could only imagine how bad it could be for her.

Watching her by the door, I did not know how to call her out of her trance. Hell, I didn't have the strength. She was staring outside the window with her eyes glued to the trees. She had spent most weekend mornings doing this with Matt. Her staring at the sky and him staring at the sunrise and how the wind affected the trees' direction while throwing crumbs to birds on their window. In the evenings, they would seat there and read a book with the cold breeze hitting their bedroom curtains. It was her perfect little world and it was now shattered.

“You know even the birds don’t sound the same.” She said, jerking me back to reality. “They sound hollow and out of sync. Or that is just me. Anyway, why are you here? Is it time?”

“I am afraid so,” I replied.

“Give me five minutes and I will be there.”

“Alright. And, it is not just you, I think the birds know.” I said while walking away.

Most of the family had arrived and slow music was playing in the tents. Everyone looked somber and in that we were justified. Death had robbed us of someone we loved. Death left a wound in the heart that no one could heal, and love left a memory no one could steal. The love and loss were overwhelming.

The service started as soon as Amber arrived. Everything went smoothly and almost everyone who gave a speech about Matt either broke into tears or walked away on the verge of it. Amber had been reluctant about giving a speech. So, I was utterly shocked when I saw her walk to the podium and ask for the microphone.

“Well, I am one for public speaking. Ask me to talk about anything, anywhere and I will be able to. One thing I have never been able to talk about in public is my love for my husband. Heck, I couldn’t even tell him my wedding vows at the altar. This wasn’t because I lacked words, this was because words would never do justice to how I felt about him or how he made me feel. I was never a damsel in distress, but he was always my knight in shining armor. He found me when I was lost, he gave me a little extra love when I needed it. He understood me even when I was tripping. Matt is the kind of man that you find only once in a lifetime. He is the kind of person I knew I would end up falling in love with. I knew it from the first moment I met him. It wasn’t love at first sight but a feeling that sat exactly right in my chest. I never told him I loved him out of fear that he will leave me, it was always because I did. I always told him because I knew he was the only person I wanted to spend eternity with. Matt loved me loudly in front of everyone and again quietly when it was just the two of us. He loved me with all he had and I loved him with all I had. He was my forever and I was his always. One day we were reading the book 'One thousand boy kisses' and he highlighted a page. That caught my attention considering he doesn't like “staining” books. It said, ‘The best things in life die quickly; like the cherry blossom. Because something so beautiful cannot last forever, should not last forever. It stays for a moment in time to remind us how precious life is before fading away just as quickly as it came. It teaches you more in its short life than anything that is forever by your side.’ Matt was my something perfect. He taught me almost everything I am and I know in my adult life. I love him. I will always love him. But I hate the fact that he was right, something so completely perfect and special is destined to fade and eventually has to blow away into the wind. How do I live with the empty space you left? What does a rainbow do when it has no sky to lay on?”

Even I couldn't stop the tears that were trickling down my face when I heard her speak. The mood moved from negative one hundred to negative one thousand with her speech. The priest led the progression to where his body would be laid to rest and an ocean of tears flooded the area while tangible sadness could be felt in the air.

Some things mark significant moments in a person’s life that define who they are. For my best friend, the first one was when she was born, and the second one was when she met Matt; the love of her life. 1st June 2022 marked the third one; when she lost Matt; the man she lived for. Her eternal love in a fleeting life.

By Favor Khaoya

(I am sending love to everyone who has ever lost a loved one. I might not be able to share the pain and loss with you or even understand your grief but remember, grief is a journey. It has its ups and downs. Somedays the circle is purely black and painful, other days, a ring of white light penetrates and makes it easy. I have found a way to have other rings around my dark grief ring and I hope you do too. Until them, remember it is okay to feel everything you feel, even if its confusing.)