Requiem mass for my bony life

 

 

First, Arrrrrgghhhhh!!!!

Second; Why does it feel like your heart dies when you grow up?

Third; Everything sucks, JUST KIDDING! Everything is great!

Why don’t psychological tricks work on me? I can swear I have heard my best friend, Nikita “manifest” over a hundred times and it all comes to happen; don’t get me started on the number of times her moods change in a matter of seconds. I am convinced she has a brain switch! How else would you explain someone being sad and hurt one minute and then over the top the next? But I am not her; I never will be.

My mind lingers on that thought more than it should. At that moment, it all becomes real and I experience sadness so excruciating it makes it hard to want to live beyond it. I tell myself I am okay because I need to know that I am. I tell myself I am okay again. I keep saying it, more times than I have ever said it out loud. Every time I say it, I am hit by a wave of relief and a tornado of sadness. I feel like I am playing a losing game.  This should not be happening; especially not today, the day I turn twenty-five.

“Yaaaaay, happy birthday to me.”

Naturally, my birthday has always been the peak of my year. I would start the day by recounting the highs and lows of the previous year. Dwelling on my success and brushing over my failures with the occasional self-justification that I did my best. I would count my blessings and label my lessons. By then, I would have a semblance of where I am in life and where I am headed. That awareness of the progress that I have made and how much more I was capable of achieving was always a cause for celebration. However, this year, it is a cause of overwhelming sadness.

What do you do when your life falls apart? Okay, that’s a tad dramatic. What do you do when your life feels like crap?

That is what was running through my head when I decided to jog to the pier. It is a beautiful night; the moon and stars had decided to come out dancing. The night isn’t pitch black as occasional clouds sweep the sky clean. A perfect night to stay outdoors or so I thought. The chilly breeze was a small price to pay to enjoy the perfection and distract my brain. God knows I need a distraction or else I will drown in loneliness and suffocate in my thoughts.

For the first time in forever, I was alone on my birthday. I do not entirely feel bad about it; I understand why my friends are not here with me. They all have to go to work and they probably forgot about it. If they didn’t then they left work late and cannot make it. But then, that would mean I could get a birthday text but I didn’t. It might have slipped their minds and that’s okay. Adulting tends to make us forget things. Besides, I am the only one of them who still fancies birthdays. So I understand why that might have slipped their minds. Arrggh, who am I kidding? I absolutely feel bad about it.

I feel bad about a lot of things this year. I feel bad that life after graduation is absolutely bonkers. It has been a year and a half since I graduated. I was happy to move to the next stage of life. Nobody said it was going to be easy; but no one said it would be so hard. Money, friends, free time, and opinions go down the drain while bills, work pressure, and life expectations skyrocket. Do you know what is even worse than working? Working and getting used to the routine and income, and then losing the job and the income. Whilst your friends are still working. The impending doom of having to move back in with my parents and having to start over again loomed in my brain.

That would describe my year!

I wasn’t one of those lucky individuals who got a job immediately after campus. That is despite the fact that I was one of three people who got a first class in Bachelor's of mass communication and public relations that year. I did not give up, for Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in my soul and sings the tune without words and never stopped until when I got an Internship opportunity at Crutun marketing agency. I was elated and believed this was the start of something great, something that I would one day be proud of.

Life at work wasn’t always a bed of roses. However, I had the willpower to take on the occasional thorns it threw my way. For five months, my world revolved around the agency. I got clients, did advertising and market research for them, helped with business strategies, and did follow-up with all my clients. I can confidently say I felt content at work. I was doing what I loved and got paid more than enough to do so. Life was on track.

Two weeks to the end of my internship, I wasn’t sure if I would be retained in the company or if I would have to start looking for another job. While trying to figure out what my next move would be, I was called to the office of one of my supervisors; Tom. His voice was overly friendly. I’m not used to overt friendliness and I do not know what to do with it.

“Hello, Selina.”

“Hello, Mr. Lawson.”

“Please call me Tom.”

“It’s okay, Mr. Lawson.”

“I insist.” He said while moving from his chair on the other side of the table and coming to where I was. He then sat on the edge of the table next to where I was sitting and looked at me. So much for personal space!

“Do you like working here?”

“Yes, I do. It is a good experience and I get exposed to a vast portfolio of clients.” I said with so much enthusiasm and was about to continue when he cut me short.

“Would you like to continue working here?” he asked, his voice having some curtness to it.

My mind swirled with excitement and pride. I had worked for this moment! I deserved to be an associate! With all the work and effort I had been putting in this; it was about time I became an associate. That would equal working with Royal Media Services and major public relations firms like OPR. Who calls a company OPR by the way? Are those initials of something? I would love to work there someday, but that company doesn’t take on newbies, it takes an already-recognized talent or a flaming one. I hope one day I will be good enough for them.

While lost in thought, Mr. Lawson steps closer to me and demolishes another centimeter between us. Demolishes it, like it’s in his right to make the space disappear. Demolishes it, like he’s determined to discern whether I’ll crack and run for the hills and it takes everything in me not to squeeze my eyes shut and burst into a chorus of a thousand curses.

“Mr. Lawson,”

“Call me Tom.”

“What are you doing?”

“Making you earn your place here,” He said while exhausting the remaining insignificant distance between him and me. I rolled the chair behind and as a result, he lost balance and almost fell.

“But my track record shows I have earned a place here.”

“Oh, Child! Do you think anyone cares about that?” He said while raising his voice. Up until this moment, I was not scared of him I respected him. He had just crossed the thin line between respect and fear that is coupled with despise. I could feel it in my blood and veins and everything in me strung tight. Like I had a rope tied around my wrists and ankles. The imaginary restraints pull, chafing my skin in a way that does not feel imaginary. No, I felt it all; the sensation of being dragged in opposite directions whilst moving nowhere at all. I opened my mouth ready to put Mr. Lawson in his place, but then he planted a kiss on me. His lips rough and calloused and who kisses while spewing saliva at the other person? He put his hands on my arms, pinning me on the armrest rendering me helpless for a minute. A bout of adrenaline jerked me up and I managed to push his fat, chubby body off me when he let go of my hands and started touching my boobs. He fell. He fell hitting his head on the corner of the table. He fell tripping on a cable that brought down the fan on him. He fell with such an impact that trying to cling to the cabinet in his office next to the fan proved a futile attempt. It also came flying down the books and hit him on his face, thank God the table held the cabinet midair; or he would have been so injured. Karma came through for me. I ran out of the office and went home.

The night was long for me; I kept tossing and turning. Wondering what my fate would be in that office and if reporting him to the human resource department would help. I wondered how many girls in the office had gone through a similar fate and how many keep going through the same. I bet not everyone is lucky enough to always have  Karma on their side. What happens then? He has been a partner for years; who would listen to an intern over a partner? This is a he-said, she-said scenario. Do I really have the power? Do I have what it takes to take him down? I drifted to sleep bargaining my options and woke up with a resolve to involve the human resource department.

The human resource manager was not in when I arrived at the office and thus I decided to reduce the workload on my desk before looking for her. At around 10 am, I was called by her secretary to go see her. This was strange as she wasn’t there in the morning when I went to check. However, I was excited that I might actually be able to retain my job despite the fiasco of the previous day. I went to her office with the hope that kept me warm in that chilly sea.

“Good morning, Ms. Rose.”

“Good morning, Selina.”

“I am so glad you called me in. I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Please, go ahead.”

“This is a sensitive matter. I am not sure how to handle it.”

“If it is workplace related, then you have come to the right place.”

“It is.”

“I am all ears.”

“Someone threatened my job yesterday.”

“How so?”

“He said I need to earn my place to work here; which meant sleeping with him.”

“Are you accusing someone of sexual assault?”

“Yes, I am.”

“That is a very serious accusation. Are you sure?”

“I am absolutely sure.”

“Who did that to you?” She asked, this time with concern filled in her voice and her face full of pity.

“Mr. Lawson”

“Come again.”

“Mr. Tom Lawson.”

“That’s funny; considering he filed charges against you for physically assaulting him and throwing objects at him. All because he refused to hire you to be an associate.”

“That’s not what happened! You have to believe me,” I said with my voice shaking and knots tightening in my stomach.

“It is your word against his and considering how friendly you two have been towards each other, I am not surprised it came to this.” She said with jest in her voice. It was as if she found this to be a convenient excuse or maybe a lovers' quarrel that spilled over to the workplace. What kind of woman does this to a fellow woman? What happened to women's empowerment? Is it all a ruse? She did not believe me and neither did she bother to investigate.

“We are letting you go, Selina. You will be fully compensated for this month even though you have worked only two weeks. Your internship won’t be continued.” She said with so much finality while handing me over my termination letter. “The security officers will come to pick up your laptop, badge, and key cards in thirty minutes when you clear out.”

My world was crumbling and there was nothing I could do to make it better or save it. I walked to my desk and cleared out. I gave a few of my supplies to my partner and the rest went to the dustbin just like my hopes to build a career in the agency and find my way to OPR. I guess sometimes good things fall apart. The realization threw me into an emotional frenzy. As I ran to the toilet for a good cry in private, I bumped into Mr. Lawson.

“Hello, little bird,” he said to me and I froze on the spot. He had just left the men’s washroom and his disgusting fat hands were still dripping with water. “I heard you went to human resources to report me. What a bold yet stupid move. I’m still here and you! Oh well, you have what? Six minutes to be out of here. So much for dignity! Was it worth it? What is dignity when you are unemployed and will be broke in a couple of months or even weeks depending on your spending habits? You little piece of…”

I slapped him.

I couldn’t contain myself. He just ruined my career and was bragging about it to my face. This is a new level of narcissism that even I didn’t know existed.

“Tell me something Tom! Do you get off making other people miserable? Does it make you feel more like a man? Because I felt what you’d call your manhood yesterday and that, ain’t manhood. It’s a pickle and I doubt it even tickles.”

“Shut up! In what world do you…?”

“In my world.”

“What?”

“You were asking in what world; I interrupted to tell you, in my world. And in my world, I rule. You might win this round but I promise I will hunt you down, find you and ruin you.“

“You forget yourself, Selina,” he seethed with enough heat to singe my skin to ash, even as far away as I stood from him. “You forget your place.”

“Well, I no longer have a place here.“

“And I will ensure you won’t have a place anywhere in this town. You will be miserable. Come hell or high water; to be clear, I am hell and high water.”

“I am good at what I do, we both know that. I will suffice just fine without you.” I said and walked into the ladies' room banging the door behind me.

I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding. And I was struggling for more air than I even needed, but my panic was setting in, burying itself in my soul and making it hard to think. The sadness felt like warmth creeping its way up my chest, creating an insurmountable pressure the closer it got to my heart. And for the first time in a long time, I broke down. I cried for myself. I cried for my future and hopes. I cried for my newfound enemy. I cried for the amount of power he wielded. I cried for the uncertainty the future suddenly held. I cried for the unexpected setback in life. I cried until there were no more tears and just whimpers. I cried until my throat was dry and hoarse. I cried until I could feel the churn in my stomach and the stretch in my skin. Yet somehow, I had more tears to cry. Especially after Mrs. Roosevelt, one of the members of the board and an acquaintance found me crying and I had to narrate the whole ordeal to her. It took a whole lot of reassurance and courage to leave that bathroom floor and take a cab home.

Seven months later and I still do not have a job and not even a call back after the first interview. On nights like this, I feel like Mr. Lawson held up his end of the bargain to ensure I won’t get employed anywhere in Petrichor. He won, I lost. This thought makes me so furious that I increase the pace of my running. A futile attempt to outrun my thoughts. However, the wind that whooshes over my ear is comforting. A convenient gust of cold air hits my nostrils and in synchrony; my body starts to relax. I can feel my legs as they hit the soft pavement gently, I can hear the sound of leaves on trees as they sway, I can smell roasted chicken in the air and I can finally see other people jogging on the pavement. I instantly feel less alone; more in sync with nature. And for a minute, the world is perfect. I slow down when I approach the pier, and after I stop and do a couple of stretches, I lie down on the ground facing the sky.

It is so beautiful.

A full moon and stars. That’s a rare occurrence. I can almost notice the big dipper. Which reminds me of the first time I met my boyfriend; Greyson. He actually taught me the name and promised me forever. Yet, it’s on my birthday and he is not here with me. The thought makes sadness creep back into my heart again. No, not sadness! Loneliness! If only he hadn’t been so busy or work or I hadn’t been so idle; he wouldn’t have been absent today and I wouldn’t have noticed his absence.

“You are a hard woman to find.” A familiar yet strange voice said that behind me .

“I guess you haven’t been looking hard enough.” I responded while turning.

“Since I found you, I bet I have been looking hard enough.”

“Roosevelt.” I said with excitement.

“What happened to the Mrs. Part of my name?” she responded while hugging me.

“You stopped being my boss and became my friend.“

“So you dropped one title for another?”

“Smart is a good look on you old lady.”

“Hey! I am just 40!” she said with a wink.

“In an alternate universe maybe," I teased.

“Yes, in a universe where you are a gladiator.”

"Excuse me!”

“This isn’t a blind date or me stalking you. This is a job interview.”

“But I haven’t applied to any firms you are part of the board.”

“Ask me who I work for?”

“What?”

“Ask me who I work for!”

“Who do you work for?”

“R-PR”

“R-PR? The R-PR? “

“ This is me offering you an opportunity to get what you want. I know you will kill puppies to get this job because of how you held your breath when I said R-PR and I knew you were interested based on the many reviews on our website and how many times you have volunteered to be part of our surveys.”

“What is going on right now?”

“The job is yours if you want it. It’s the best job you will ever have. You will change lives and slay dragons. You’ll be a gladiator in a suit.”

“Hahaha! This is a good prank. I’m  going to give you seventy points for effort and ten for improvisation. You know I have watched Scandal enough times to know those lines by heart right?”

“I know and you also said that would be one of the coolest ways someone could offer you a job. So how do you feel about working in a space that helps you build public relations with people in scandals?”

“Rooooooooseeeeeeee!!! What are you saying?”

“I am offering you a job at R-PR!”

“Roosevelt Public Relations firm R-PR! I am Roosevelt, in case you have forgotten.”

“OMG! You are Roosevelt?! You are the founder?”

“Now tell anyone that and I will kill you. I try to keep a low profile.”

“I should be reimbursed for all the lunches I have paid for .”

“Why?”

“Because you are rich?”

“You insisted on paying, remember? So you don’t feel like a charity case and blah blah to your dignity.”

“Fair point.”

“Now, what do you say?”

“YES! YES! YES!”

“Good, come over Monday morning and we will do the paperwork.“

“Yes ma’am.”

“Alright.”

“Why now? Why not all those months before today?”

“That is for me to know and you to find out. Happy birthday little girl.” I could feel goosebumps on my neck and hands. Butterflies and hummingbirds in my head and stomach. This is the best birthday gift ever. I get a chance to start a new year and equally start over.

She stood up to leave and I followed suit. I shook her hand and hugged her.

“Oh, and Selina, don’t show up in my office with nails that long.”

“Is that personal or business?” I replied teasingly as the day I went to make nails, she was there and made a fuss about the height of the acrylics.

“You will see on Monday," she said as she entered her red jeep ready to leave. I jumped up and down in excitement before I heard her honk.

“Are you going to run back to your place or should I give you a ride?”

“I will run. I have a sugar rush. It can get me there. Thanks.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

I was so excited to get home and tell my boyfriend the good news. It was about 8 pm and I was certain by then he would be back home. However, I first had to go to my place and pick my phone; lest I show up in his place and miss him.

By Favor Khaoya

(P.S; To all the girls who have been manipulated at work places, I see you. I understand you. It is not easy and any choice you make has serious consequences. Whatever you choose to do; you are not alone.)